9/20/17 - Things Change

Change is good because sometimes you need a penny when your coffee comes to $2.01 and you don’t want to get .99¢ back.  It’s also good to change your underwear and it’s totally okay to change your mind.  Also, it can be confusing if you don’t change the calendar, so that’s good, too.  And you can’t forget about that song, ‘Changes’ by David Bowie, that song is pretty sick.  The season’s also change and if nature’s doing it, you know it’s good!  Changing your perspective is interesting, too.  Like, standing right here can be a lot different than over there.  Change is happening all the time which might be the only aspect of change that doesn’t change.

I don’t think there’s anything that excites me more than new scenery.  How beautiful it is to experience a place for the first time; the excitement of drinking in the sights, the unique colors and shapes never before processed by the brain, fresh impressions of a memory.

I was lucky enough to have new experiences in new places everyday for about 6 months last year on my bicycle trip.  Sure, a lot of the corn fields in Illinois looked a lot like the corn fields in Indiana and Ohio but, they were still different.  It’s a true blessing to have a stretch of time vary so greatly from day to day.  I think this long stretch of time on the road helped me break out of the mindset of ‘same shit, different day.’

Maybe two years ago, I truly felt like a goldfish swimming in a very small bowl; I was training endlessly for my cross-country journey.  Walking and riding in small circles around the towns I grew up in.  The scenery became numbing and everything about being home was exhausting.  I felt like I shot myself out of a cannon when I finally left on my bike with my bags packed.

A year ago I was right in the middle of my journey.  I finished the cross-country portion and was about to head South for another few months down the West coast.  I have to make fun of myself because Ia big part of this trip was to escape the monotonous pattern of everyday life at home but, I essentially traded that in for another monotonous routine on the road.  Instead of waking up and going to work all day everyday I was waking up and riding my bicycle all day everyday.  No matter what us humans do our lives have a way of falling into a groove but, that doesn’t mean we have to feel trapped.  

Last weekend my boyfriend and I were driving home from Provincetown.  The day had ended and night had already fallen before we started the two and a half hour ride home.  At a certain point I remembered the first time we went to Ptown together at the start of our relationship.  We had also driven home in the dark through a landscape that was new to me in a situation that was new to me.  It was wonderful to realize and acknowledge these two similar scenarios and think about how much has changed in the six months that separate these two points in my life: how much we’ve grown individually as well as closer together, the home that we share, we’ve travelled, together and separately, dealt with changes in our families and changes in our careers.  Anyone can pause for a moment, think back 6 months and add up all the things that have happened and are different now even though so many people feel their lives fall in the ‘same shit, different day’ category.  We have more control than we allow ourselves to believe.  I never knew how I could make art my full-time job but, I’ve learned (and I’m still learning) how to change the way I understand what that means and how to approach it.  

Humans are very good at creating a model of reality in our minds that we then limit and imprison ourselves within but, change is something we’re all capable of initiating.  Nobody is making us live the same way day in and day out.  The things we want to accomplish may seem impossible or too much for us to handle, it’s important to keep in mind nothing happens all at once, small changes add up.  So maybe start with something small and change your underwear.

8/18/17 - Home Sooner Than Expected

I’m guessing I’d be somewhere in Kansas right now if I had continued on the bicycle trip I planned for this year.  Tires turning mile after mile while I take in all the new places and people that are tough to avoid on a long-distance ride.  The daily dangers of weather, angry drivers, and hungry wildlife would be the rushes of adrenaline I’d be feeding off of as well as the excitement of finding the perfect baseball field to pitch my tent in, free of charge.  But I’m not dealing with any of these things right now and I’m actually super happy about it.

While last year’s bike trip was everything I hoped for and more, I couldn’t seem to take in anything else from the experience this time around.  I was on the road for about a month, traveled up through Vermont and into Canada and all the way over to Toronto by the time I’d had enough.  I was presented with an easy way home and I saw it as perfect timing, something too good to be reduced to a coincidence.  I took the ticket and in a long, overnight drive with some friends, I was back home like nothing ever happened.

There were a few moments on the drive where I was wondering if I was making the right choice.  I trained so hard for this trip and wanted so badly to feel the freedom of living on the road again.  When my 7 month long bike trip ended this past Winter, I couldn’t wait to get out and do it again.  I felt more myself on the road than I had ever felt; more confident, and more connected to nature and the powers of the universe that we’re all victims of, for better or worse.  Maybe it was the adrenaline, all the endorphins my brain was firing off with all the physical activity but I was definitely addicted to something, and I wanted more!

More....anything, you could say.  We’re all capable of achieving anything, we just need to want it badly enough.  In a short time after being home in March, I decided to push myself into other uncharted territory, online dating.  Yikes.  It even seems corny to write despite how many people I know that’ve had success with finding someone on the internet.  Dating quickly lead me to further unknown territory and before I knew it, I was in love.  I had been out to my close friends and immediate family for quite some time but, talking about my sexuality with anyone further seemed pointless when I wasn’t dating or even interested in it at that time.  I would never pretend to be anything I’m not but I must say, I’ve never been more proud of who I am than right now.

Needless to say, this new love in my life was certainly a major factor in my decision to come home early from this years bike journey.  I felt I was leading myself down a massive, unnecessary detour that would yield no benefits to what I was trying to do with my life: be a full time artist among my friends and family and my boyfriend and embrace what it means to have a home.  

Damn, love is good, love is great...someone ought to write a song about it.  I’m overjoyed to be sitting at my studio desk as I write this out, finished and unfinished pieces of art all around me, table covered in tubes of paint and pencils, a hot cuppa coffee within reach; as well as a head full of inspiration and a heart full of love.  I feel uninhibited, invincible and excited for the future.

Day 71 - 12/2/16 - Day Off - Chula Vista, CA

Rafa flew into San Diego at 10:00pm tonight but, hours and hours before that she texted me from Vermont with another big list of possible things to do to fill my day with places to ride to and places to eat –she’s a great long-distance tour guide.  I rode to the Olympic training center, sat by the lake, looked at the mountains, orange and rusty in color, did some writing (Rafa says she usually reads here) and then rode back.  I listened to some Christmas music while I ate lunch.  Connie came in the kitchen and was humming and singing under her breath while she did motherly things like put stuff away and wipe down counters and push chairs in.  Their home is decorated like the North Pole and I love it.  Later on, David and Dani and I drove into the city for some epic donuts at Donut Bar.  Large, colorful, sugary circles seemed to glow under the soft warm lights overhead.  

There’s a lot of love for donuts in this place.  The 3 of us went to the mall afterwards, David wanted to upgrade his wardrobe.  I normally avoid malls like the plague this time of year but, I never mind going along for the ride.  We all had fun; Dani and I made all the decisions for David in terms of color and pattern.  I haven’t bought any new clothes (except for what I’ve been wearing on this trip) in quite a while.  I like second-hand stores but, I admit, I was a bit enticed by all the nice sweaters and jackets.  I’m not going to know how to dress myself when I get home.  I’ve got about 4 shirts and a few pairs of pants/shorts that all have a specific purpose.  I’m going to need help remembering to wear something different every day, even underwear.  

We didn’t have much time to relax between getting home from the mall and going back out to pick up Rafaela, just enough time to eat another donut.  There she was, sitting out in the California cold, still bundled up from Vermont, looking like all the photos I’d seen of her but still somehow different.  Images of people and things make us think we’ve actually seen something or met someone but us humans are easily swindled by our own ideas of something.  So far, my mental image and the real Rafa are in sync; I always thought she was a kind and beautiful girl and the short time spent in the car on the way back to Chula Vista confirmed my vision of her.  It was close to 11:00pm when we got back, it felt like 2:00am to Rafa so we all went to bed to rest for tomorrow’s party.

Day 70 - 12/1/16 - Pacific Beach, San Diego to Chula Vista, CA

It’s nice to take it slow in the morning, to get out of bed and do things on your own terms.  Chula Vista is only 25 miles from Stephanie’s place, a little more than a 2 hour ride.  I didn’t leave until 1:00ish when Steph had to go to work, and even then I didn’t rush to Rafaela’s place.  I guess it’s her family’s place since she lives in Vermont now.  I’ve never met her in person, we’ve just talked over the phone and via text, a good friend of a good friend, that pretty much means we’re good friends already.  Someone that offers up her family’s house as a place to stay for the weekend is a very good friend, I’m very grateful and very excited to give her a hug when I see her in tomorrow night, she’s flying back for her mom’s surprise birthday party that she already knows about.  

It’s funny to think I’ve met Rafaela’s whole family before meeting her in person.  They’re good people, I can tell where she gets it from.  Luis, her step dad let me in and gave me water and talked to me until David got home, Rafa’s younger brother.  We talked about my trip, what he’s studying in school and life in general.  He’s studying kinesiology, that might not be right but, he studies the way the body works and what a person needs to do to take care of themselves.  He wants to help people be happy in their skin through diet and exercise, something I believe in as well.  Nearly all personal problems, self esteem and self image issues can be alleviated through a little physical activity and eating some good food.  A donut here and there can’t hurt either.  When Connie, Rafa and David’s mother came home, the four of us went out for dinner, Mexican food.  I had a burrito for lunch but, I could eat a burrito every meal of the day and not complain.  Rafa and David have a younger sister but, she worked late and got home after I had already gone to sleep.  

Getting absorbed into someone else’s family is a beautiful thing.  Sharing what you have with someone who has nothing is a very human thing.  I never thought I’d be so dependent on the company of others, the warm feeling of being in the bosom of a family even when it’s not yours.  It’s truly the family that makes the holidays the holidays even if you have to borrow someone else’s.  I’d like to think my presence has a positive effect on the family, makes the weekend a bit more distinct than others knowing they’re doing something very kind for me.  Maybe years down the road the Rodriguez’s will remember having a smell biker for some added company around Connie’s birthday just a few weeks before Christmas.

Day 69 - 11/30/16 - Oceanside to Pacific Beach, San Diego, CA

Despite the cozy motel room a block from the beach, sleep did not find me easily.  Train tracks run perpendicular to the street the Beachwood Motel sits on, busy train tracks, in fact, maybe every 20 minutes.  I find it comforting, and also kind of funny, how close the Amtrak route has been to my bike route over the last couple of weeks.  

I think when I finally board the train to go home I’ll find myself backtracking quite a bit, seeing all I’ve seen from a train window, back through Oceanside and over the bridge at Gaviota State Beach, being one with the noise that as disturbed or prevented sleep while making my way down So. Cal.  I left the motel early, before 9:00am so I could see Stephanie before she went to work.  I did not make it, I was on pace but, I blame my Canadian friends, Brandon, Brendan and Kane.  

I met them at the end of October, rode with them almost all the way to San Fran.  Then another month went by, hundred of miles down the road and we stopped to smoke a joint just like old times.  We caught up briefly but, once on the road we split up fairly quickly without a proper goodbye.  It’s very possible I’ll see them again.  I’ve known Stephanie since 6th grade.  Her last name is Brown, mine is Brenton.  Folks that are close to you in the alphabet usually stay close throughout school.  Since I missed her before she left for work, I didn’t see her til after 10:00.  

I did what I usually do, eat food then smoke down by the pier and watch the sunset.  It’s fun seeing people from home in places you’d never expect.  Part of the fun of traveling is seeing all new people but, it’s also kind of special when you encounter someone from home out on the road, even if you’re not the tightest of friends, having a shared background is a unique way to relate.  We talked a little about home, mostly getting away from it, it makes you appreciate it more once you actually go back from an extended stay elsewhere.  

I don’t know from personal experience but, I already feel a longing to see familiar streets and people and places, to know where I’m going, to be able to look at something and know how it’s changed.

Day 68 - 11/29/16 - Newport Beach to Oceanside, CA

It was a real light breakfast today, coffee and seawater.  I usually like a little more sustenance but, Quintin was driving the ship and he likes an early start.  I guess I’m lucky I got coffee.  The ride to the beach wasn’t more than 10 minutes.  The sun was shining and the wind was blowing in a way that made Quintin incredibly excited.  “When the wind is blowing out to sea the waves maintain a nicer form before they break.”  I’m learning.  He gave me all sorts of other advice for I failed to remember in the hour or so of me getting my ass kicked while Quintin did what all surfers do and made it look easy.  A couple times I stood up but, certainly didn’t get very far.  I still had fun.  

On the way back, Quintin told me more about his European bike tour back in the 90’s, about the South Africans that taught him how to beat the visa system and find work to stay as long as possible under the radar.  The way he spoke about his life on the road, I could feel the sincere jealousy and happiness he had for me and my open-ended trip.  Though he’d rather be less tied down, he’s genuinely happy he made the choice to play first and work later.  As a person that is playing now with no real regard for the future, I like this way of living too.  Leaving Quintin’s on my bike, I could feel the hour of surfing on my arms and stomach.  

My arms aren’t used to doing much these days, certainly not paddling.  And my stomach just took some hard smacks from the waves against the board.  It sure was a beautiful day though.  I didn’t have a place in mind to stay so I made it easy on myself and got a motel in Oceanside, my first motel going down the Pacific Coast, not too bad for nearly 70 days on the road.  I felt like treating myself.  Just a block from the beach I made my way down to the pier to watch the sunset after I checked in around 4:00pm.  

There’s something about dusk and dawn, those transitional points between day and night, night and day.  It’s important to be present, it’s easy to get distracted and come back to the moment and to wonder where the day went, how did night fall so fast?

Day 67 - 11/28/16 - Long Beach to Newport Beach, CA

I had to go to the post office before leaving Long Beach, I’ve been meaning to shed some weight.  I sent the last two rocks home to Ava, Oregon and California, as well as my Holey Toledough T-shirt.  I also sent home my hammock and big, heavy U-lock, probably 5 pounds of combined weight off my bike.  But, I also had to send home the print Catherine gave me.  A while ago she did a painting of a banana penetrating a glazed donut, two very important things in my life just getting it on.  

She made an edition of prints of the sexy food scene and she was kind enough to give me one.  If I could’ve framed and displayed it on my bike I would’ve but, I’ll see it again when I get home, I’m sure my family will get a kick out of it.  The post office was quite busy, this is a busy time of year for them, the holidays.  I like that though, I like seeing the post office utilized, I like seeing people send Christmas cheer.  This post office was a bit odd, the tellers were behind an inch of glass, bullet proof, I assume.  It kind of took away from the experience of interaction, I don’t know.  Oh well.  

Outside, a homeless woman pushing a cart asked about my bike, asked if I had a pump.  I did, she had a flat tire.  I pumped it back up for her, the air stayed and her day got a little better.  She muttered something about not having eaten in a couple days so I gave her an orange and a bag of crackers and some granola bars and she was off.  I was happy to do it.  I didn’t need all that food anyway, I have places to stay for the next few days or so.  

I left the city by late morning, rode on the paved path right along the beach, the somewhat standard scenario for everyday now.  I’ve seen quite a few piers by this point but, I was still excited to see Huntington Beach Pier in person.  I’ve seen so many photos of that place from Ed and Deanna Templeton.  I wish I could’ve stumbled upon them there but, they were in Japan.  

The pier was a lot quieter than I’d ever seen it in Ed’s photos but, it was a cold, gray, windy day in November.  I watched the sun set and admired the residual glow like an ember in the lower half of the sky before I continued the rest of the way to Quintin’s house, another dood I met through Warm Showers.  I had dinner with him and his two boys, Caden and Chase, 14 and 11 I believe.  A fire crackled in the fireplace.  

The four of us, plus Moby, the dog and Cat, the cat watched Superman after dinner.  I almost fell asleep on the couch, I took the opportunity to go to bed when the kids did. 

Day 65 - 11/26/16 Leo Carillo SP to Long Beach, CA

I’d never met Catherine before.  I didn’t even know what she looked like, I had only ever seen her paintings through the screen of my phone.  On my way to her place I wondered how I even started following her on Instagram.  The morning at Leo Carillo State Park was just beautiful.  The Hiker.Biker campsite was tucked in a grove under massive, thick, meandering branches reaching in all directions, partly bleached by the sun, or maybe that’s the way they are.  

I knew rain was in the forecast, sometime in the early afternoon, so I was up with the sun.  I ate my oats and drank my coffee quickly in the cold and was on the road by 8:00.  Getting out of the grove and into the sun was thrilling, I was motivated to beat the rain but, I couldn’t escape it.  The first half of the ride was sunny and dry as I rolled over the seaside hills through Malibu and into Santa Monica.  The bike path winds you through the hot, tan sands, past the lifeguard huts in their soft sea foam shades of blue and all the vacant volley ball nets, at is Fall after all.  

I had to stop at REI in Santa Monica but it was nice to stop and see the pier and some of the trippy sidewalks with curved bricks that wiggled in your eyes as you roll over them.  But just outside of Santa Monica is where the rain found me.  Right on the beach.  I don’t know if anyone believed the forecast or paid attention to it because all the other cyclists and beachgoers seemed rather surprised by the sudden shower.  

The next 30 miles were a wet blur, a mad dash to get to Catherine’s in Long Beach.  It’s not so fun to stop riding in the rain when you’re already soaked through, I get real cold real quick.  It’s best to keep moving, and so I did.  As it sometimes happens, the sun came out from behind the veil of clouds just as I got to Catherine’s, what else can you do but laugh?  

Her apartment was set up like any good artist’s living arrangement: lots of art on the walls, lots of art on the floor leaning against the walls, paintings I had only seen from my phone screen, massive in person, and lots of art supplies shoved in corners that would be something at some point.  I went and showered and she went to work making a vegetable stew.  We shot the shit for a long time with some Christmas music in the background.  

It was nice to hear someone talk about art and making art.  That’s her full-time gig and it makes sense because she’s so damn talented.  There’s a box of Dunkin Donuts on her table.  I laughed when I saw them but, she assured me they’re just her models.  She knows what a good donut should taste like.

Day 60 - 11/21/16 San Simeon SP to Oceano, CA

It was a late start today.  Everything went as planned but, I had just planned on doing a lot.  The sun rose up past the tops of the trees close to 8:00am, it felt like someone just turned the heat on full blast.  I enjoyed removing gloves and hat and eating my oatmeal in the warmth of the morning.  Happy to see the sun, I dried out everything that was wet: tent, sleeping pad, bags, shoes... I kept all my soaking clothes in a bag to take to the laundromat in Cambria.

I didn’t leave the campsite til 10:30 and I didn’t leave Cambria til 1:00.  I knew the very end of my ride would happen after sunset but, I wasn’t worried.  Sometimes it’s nice to still be riding, watching the sun paint the sky pink and blue over the ocean, past the palms... It does get cold though.  Luckily, this campground has showers, it was my first time in a week.  The hot water did me right, I stood in there for a solid half hour, soaking it all in.  It’s so easy to forget how nice a warm home is.

Day 58 - 11/19/16 - Andrew Molera State SP to Kirk Creek SP, CA

I forgot how much I enjoy my alone time in the morning and in the evening.  I’ve been in my tent for the last couple hours even though it’s only 6:00pm.  It’s been drizzling on and off since the early afternoon so I actually made an early dinner right in here.  The idea off writing more consistently brightens me up; the activity has become my rock, my way of staying grounded.  Even though I can’t post everything I write everyday for folks to check in on me, I still feel like I’m talking to everyone when my pen hits the page.  

With less than a week til Thanksgiving, thoughts of family and friends are at the forefront of my mind.  I’ve never been away from home so long, almost 6 months, and I’ve never spent the holiday season away from home.  It will be good for me, changing things up is good for everyone, that’s how we learn things about ourselves.  What do I now know about myself that I did not know before?  I guess that I can survive without a shower for a couple weeks.  I’m strong, physically and mentally, I’ll take a small town or a city any day and a secluded campground over a small town.

I can control my life by the way I look at it.  I’m full of love for all things in the universe.  I think I’ll really see some personal growth once I go back home, a changed person in a familiar situation.  Big Sur has a presence like some sort of sleeping giant laying across 70 miles of sea, cars and bikes riding up and down its spiny back, another place in nature people go to feel small, to connect with something so powerful...I had a headache this morning, the worst one I’ve had in a while.  I woke up with it around 1:00am, I thought maybe the mushrooms dehydrated me so I slugged some water but, the damn pain was with me all day, I almost didn’t want to ride for fear I wouldn’t enjoy the scenery.  

But I made it the 35 miles, head pounding most of the day, and it did not interfere once.  I had to tell myself to get over it, to remind myself how many people on Earth are in worse pain than me.  And probably none of those people are here in one of the most beautiful stretches of road here on Earth.  Everything is perfect, me by myself, the rain, Beethoven playing softly from the speaker next to my knee, my luxury-coffin-sized tent, the waves less than 100 feet away.  I may feel lonely at times but, none of us are ever by ourselves.

Day 95 - 9/10/16 Portland to Clatskanie, OR

Billy met me outside of Ben's place just before 7:00am.  He made it to Portland a day after Colin and I.  With tires and spare tubes double-checked this time, Billy was ready to ride out of the city and toward the coast, so was I.  We couldn't leave town without a donut so we each bought a couple from Voodoo and a nice cup-o-joe to get the blood pumping while the city was still warming up.  We both agreed this was the best time in Portland, early morning on a Saturday; not many cars or people or other bikers, just the pigeons picking up scraps and the rare city-slicker that has somewhere to be (besides Voodoo Doughnuts) on Saturday morning.  

Out of the city, we stayed on highway 30 for the whole ride, a road not too scenic but, with a comfortable shoulder for riding along.  There was nothing we were hoping to see at this point, we just wanted the blue of the ocean in our eyes.  So we pedaled and pedaled for nearly 70 miles to Clatskanie where we went to bed early with talk of the ocean and the final miles on our minds.